The Holidays: The Good, the Bad and the Fugly.

First Course: The Company Party

While these tough economic times have forced many companies to lay off workers, issue pay cuts and discontinue“perks” once enjoyed by most of the corporate world, it is still pretty common for companies to hold an annual Christmas, err Holiday, Party. t-BONE celebrates Christmas, well diversity and Christmas, but from here on out the Holiday Party will referred to only as the Christmas Party. Don’t like it? Get your own blog and stop harshing my holiday mellow!

Most companies hold their Christmas Party sometime between December 1 and January 30, although I have been known to attend one in November. It was still a hell of a time. I recently attended lady-BONE’s Christmas Party. It was a good time, a celebration and appreciation of the staff that could have put a nice end to a hard year’s work. As the evening came to a close I was flashed. I know what you are thinking, AWESOME PARTY! Well it was not the kind of flash you pay for, it was the kind you pay not to see.

What could possibly be wrong with this situation you may ask? Well let me tell you. For one, she is 64 years old. This in and of itself is not terrible. I had a friend once buy alien porn at TJ’s on Hubbard and leave it at my house. It doesn’t get more disturbing than seeing a Martian “infiltrate” the human species. The more disturbing part of the story as it turns out is that the flasher was my wife’s co-worker. Someone I have given rides home on several occasions and seen frequently during lady-BONE’s work functions.

The image of Flashy McFlasherstein rolling out those two old stockings from under her shirt will never leave me. I can no longer go to one of lady-BONE’s events without seeing her in a different way. I will constantly be looking behind my back thinking that those babies are going to be flying out at me again. I am emotionally traumatized. OK I am being dramatic, but really who wants to feel uncomfortable at a work function, or more uncomfortable in some cases.

During this holiday season, t-BONE can’t stress enough that the Christmas Party is no place to flip your lid. It jeopardizes the one remaining celebration of your employer’s appreciation for you and just makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Even if you look like Kate Beckinsale or whoever the kids are looking at these days, just keep ‘em up in your shirt. Until the after party…

Dropping a Deuce: NYE

Ah, another New Year’s Eve. Remember when NYE was exciting, fun and something to look forward to? Me neither. NYE is a celebration in buffoonery! Don’t get t-BONE wrong, he loves him some tomfoolery, but not for Tom Foolery’s sake.

NYE has become a thing to do for people who never have things to do; a celebration of lame and nonsense. If you need NYE to get you out of the house and get crazy you really need to reconsider how you live your life. Paying twice as much for a meal or $100 for three “all you can drink” drinks makes you a buffoon!

This year, t-BONE will once again be participating in the Anti-NYE. We will not be rejoicing the end of the year or the beginning of a new one, but celebrating the good life that we have been blessed with. Like we always do! You don’t need to get all dressed up and hit a “hotspot” to celebrate NYE. If you do, there is a good chance you will end up disappointed. the-BONES have been invited to the most exclusive party in all of Chicago. A small intimate gathering at the home of a very prominent entertainment blogger; scored one of 25 invites thank you very little. Maybe you have seen his work at http://killspeidi.blogspot.com/?

This party will be the highlight of my week, but almost certainly not my year. That’s nothing against the party, which will be stocked full of debauchery and tomfoolery I am sure, but because a fulfilling life is never highlighted by a single night of partying. It is defined by a year of outrageous fun spent with great friends and a wonderful companion (lady-BONE).

Come Friday night, if you are getting all stoked up for your big night on the town just ask yourself, why am I so excited about getting overcharged for a mediocre meal and a handful of crap drinks? You need to be spending more being awesome and less time trying to be awesome.

What’s that, we have a suggestion? Devoted reader “Old Boner” has suggested a post on Sideline Reporting. In the words of Michele Tanner, “you got it dude!” Next up, the uselessness that is sideline reporting.

Stay Thirsty My Friends.

p.s. Tori Black, I still miss you.

Your Junk Ain’t That Pretty, Get Over It!

A few quick words from t-BONE. I have been inundated with requests for new posts over the last week. I appreciate your interest but seriously CHILL THE EFF OUT BRO! It’s not that easy finding time to post when you have to keep on keeping awesome 24/7. That and I don’t want to overexpose myself too early in my career only to fail miserably in sustaining a long and fruitful blog for my fans. I refuse to be the Vanilla Ice of blogging. I am limiting my exposure to just the right amount, I mean this isn't a maximum exposure contest.  Now on the show…

A couple of weeks ago you couldn’t turn on the news without hearing about how the TSA was molesting passengers and trying to scan pictures of their junk with these fancy new machines. I have debated with several friends over the past year about the use of body scan machines. I would say most people really could care less if someone gets to see their junk in order to remain safe on a plane. I agree and would also gladly submit to a full body pat down without insertion to ensure that I get to my destination safely.  There are others who think that pat downs and body scans are over the line and an invasion of their privacy. These people are morons who deserve to spend 18 hours on a Greyhound bus next to a flea infested wino with a wandering hand the next time they need to get somewhere.

Even if the person operating the body scan can see your junk do you really think they care? I mean it’s not like they are looking at high definition imagery of your business. It’s an outline of your body, which is hardly worth getting excited about unless you’re a thirteen year old boy going through puberty and have an endless supply of hormones pumping through the lower half of your body. I am certainly not spending money on a pair of panties that are going to keep TSA from seeing my junk in the case that I do get body scanned. Quite frankly I would be deeply flattered if anyone on the street thought that I had some junk worth photographing.

For those that are embarrassed about how their junk looks or think that someone will doing something with the photos to embarrass you, you need to get a hobby. If you’re embarrassed about your junk and afraid of someone seeing it, don’t be, because then it is definitely not the kind of junk they are looking to see. If you are afraid someone will take your junk image and do something embarrassing with it, get over yourself. I bet there are much more embarrassing photos of you out there on Facebook or under your college roommate’s mattress.

Pat downs on the other hand aren’t ideal but are necessary. Do I want some stranger rubbing me down in front of a bunch of other strangers while I stand there shoeless, beltless and helpless? YES! It sounds like your last trip to the gentleman’s club doesn’t it? Clearly you don’t mind activity; it just needs to be in the right setting. t-BONE gets that, but seriously if it prevents another 9/11 it’s worth it. You can also create the right setting in your mind. Just close your eyes and pretend you just paid $12 for a beer and that the husky TSA agent is a vanilla-scented single mom named Ginger who is trying to put herself through college. Considering you will spend $12 on a beer before you take off and you are getting some physical contact, it will all come together nicely. And it really does make the whole travel experience much better.

In summary, I think we can all agree that being safe is better than not being safe. If someone has to take a picture of our naked bodies to make sure we are safe then we should let them. If we let the fear of nudity keep us from safe travel then the terrorists have won. Just remember: life’s short, party naked. If you party like you travel then it won’t matter much to you anyway. If all else fails, Ginger…

Just to let you know that I was on schedule to post this a week ago. I was writing it on the plane and after a couple of drinks I fell asleep and couldn’t finish it up until now. Because of the delay in postings, and as an apology to my BONERS, I have included a bonus rant on air travel to the right.  Enjoy and stay thirsty my friends.

Cooking Up Some Sex Appeal

 Tomorrow night is the Season Premiere of the all new Top Chef. OK it’s not really all new this time around because it is Top Chef All Stars, which means that it features losers from past seasons. Regardless, t-BONE is a fan. So much so that I have donated tens of dollars over the years to a pool that I never seem to be able to win. lady-BONE has a crush on one of this season’s contestants, Fabio. This is completely understandable since the general consensus is that he is tall, dark and handsome with an Italian accent and hips that don’t lie. He is really the only reason she watches.

I on the other hand have a crush on another contestant, Jamie. Jamie is by society’s standards average or maybe a little better than average. She is not Padma.

 Jamie is cute, short and doesn’t like people like me (boys). I think if given the chance I could convert her but that will probably never happen. I visited her restaurant once and she wouldn’t come out. Probably because she feared that if she did she would end up breaking up my marriage and pissing off her lady with a wild romp in the hay. Do they have hay in San Fran? Regardless, she wouldn’t have been able to contain herself so we dined without her that evening. But I digress….

A friend-BONE and I were chatting about this topic the other night and she mentioned that she has a crush Top Chef’s Head Judge, Tom Colicchio. Same deal. Chef Tom is very attractive if you are into Bears. If you are unfamiliar with Chef Tom think bald Tom Arnold in a white coat. In his defense he is not bad looking, just average or slightly better. Definitely not a contender for People’s Sexiest Man though.

So what it is about these less than sexy people that makes them so sexy. To explain this I have developed the food porn theory. You’ve heard of food porn maybe? According to Wikipedia (the modern man’s version of Encyclopedia Britannica), “food porn is a provocative term variously applied to a spectacular visual presentation of cooking or eating in advertisements, infomercials, cooking shows or other visual media, foods boasting a high fat and calorie content, exotic dishes that arouse a desire to eat or the glorification of food as a substitute for sex.” This is mostly the stuff you will find on Top Chef created regularly by Jamie and Fabio et al. Chef Tom doesn’t create food on the show but everyone on the show pines over his food porn prowess which creates a similar reaction for the viewer.

The food porn theory suggests that you will fall in love when you encounter a slightly better than average individual with the ability to make a meal that makes you want to jump through your tv and get up to your elbows in it. The food you pervert! Just the possibility of a tummy orgasm makes you fall in love with this individual.

 The food porn theory explains why when Jamie lays down a couple of plump and juicy scallops on a plate, dripping with a smooth and succulent sauce, t-BONE falls in love. It explains how a chubby, bald man in an ill-fitted white chef’s coat can get the ladies swooning. It also explains why on Thursday mornings the entire conversation about Top Chef does not revolve around Padma. A lot of it is about Padma, but not all of it. It takes something as powerful as food porn to break your concentration when Padma is involved.

t-BONE loves food, and food porn. Needless to say we will be spending the next several Wednesday nights sitting on the couch. t-BONE will be fantasizing about Jamie and her food porn, Tracey about Fabio and his honest hips.

If you like food and falling in love, you should consider doing the same.

Stay thirsty my friends.

Did I ever tell you about the time I lost The Bachelor?

t-BONE is back from a jaunt out West and is very well rested. Sorry that I could not fulfill your needs with a post last week but even t-BONE needs a break every once in a while so give me a break man. So on to the show…

A couple of weeks ago lady-BONE went out of town on business. As a joke I changed my relationship status on Facebook to single. Hilarious, right? I know. Within minutes, if not seconds, several people responded.  All of them had an opinion. Funny enough, the only person that didn’t seem to care was lady-BONE. Should she have? I mean you leave a smoking hot piece of meat unattended in the dog pound and it’s gonna get eaten.  Well regardless, she has a pretty good sense of humor and didn’t really seem to care much.

t-BONE started to think about the single life and how much fun it was. I decided to make an effort to recreate bachelorhood for a week. I was going to eat pork in my underwear on the couch, leave the dishes in the sink and let the laundry lay on the floor. I also planned to go out for drinks every night. Tracey left on Tuesday so that night I was going to hit the gym and grab dinner and a few beers at the bar with some friends—typical t-BONE Tuesday eight years ago.

Turns out no one I know regularly grabs beers on Tuesdays anymore. I was left going to the gym, cooking dinner and watching the tele. No problem, even real bachelor t-BONE had some down nights and I had all week. I lit the grill and threw on some delicious looking pork. The flame was hot and the sizzle really got my juices flowing. I grabbed a beer to cool myself down. Once inside I decided to eat on the couch, nothing new, but opted to keep my shirt on as it no longer seemed cool to lick pork drippings out of my chest hair. I spent the night switching my attention between TV, Esquire and The Big Short (which is excellent, BTW). A couple of beers later I hit the sack.

Wednesday I planned to see what was going on around town. Nothing looked that appealing but I figured something would come up along the way. I got home, went for a quick run and then decided I really just felt like staying in, eating leftovers and watching Modern Family. It was funny as usual; I LOL’d a couple of times and found it extremely enjoyable. I made a point to save it for lady-BONE to watch once bachelor week was over and I returned to the real world. Against the intent of the exercise I know, but I figured once this little game was over I would be better off if it was on the DVR. Especially after the whole airplane upgrade fiasco.  

Thursday night would be the big night, maybe put together a crew and really take it to the town.  Thursday morning rolled around and I was up for whatever came my way. I got to work, and even started doing some recon on Metromix. Then I got bogged down on some work projects and lost interest. The big night turned out to be finishing off those delicious pork chops (yep three nights in a row) and several drinks with dog-BONE while finishing up some work. I had time to go out after that, but really had no interest or energy.

Turns out bachelorhood seemed fun at the time, and it probably was, but it’s really no longer for me. I will likely never know whether it was really a blast or I just didn’t know any better. I have lost interest in going out and coming home alone every night. I have apparently been reprogrammed to think that eating in your underwear is not cool or comfortable. I can no longer leave dishes sitting in the sink or clothes on the floor overnight. Maybe I can actually, I seem to have no problem doing it when Tracey is around. Maybe I feel like she is somehow here when the place is clean and I am living somewhat civilized like when she is around. I loaded the dishwasher (I still didn’t prewash because it’s useless) and cleaned up my clothes every night before bed. I walked and fed the dog morning, evening and night. I even made sure the clothes were cleaned, folded and put away and that the dishwasher was empty before my lady returned home. I must say at this point in my life I am much happier to no longer be the bachelor.

Stay Thirsty My Friends

By the way, I have noticed that At Home has a real life celebrity follower. Tori, I hope you find my work as entertaining as I find yours. Let me know if you are ever interested in writing a guest blog about your life experiences.

Stop Being Lazy and Stupid



I know this is not the Nov. 2010
cover but it is still pretty, pretty nice.

Ah, democracy. In spite of historic health care reform, the Democrats are running for the hills because nary a job is being created in the land. And the Republicans, well, they haven’t had a new idea this century, unless you count tea bags and fear, which we don’t. And yet we have a Congress filled with extraordinary people. Extraordinarily stupid... 

–Esquire Magazine November 2010



Just about every day you hear someone you know complain about government and the people we elected to run it. It is either too big or too small, it spends too much or it is not doing enough. It is not defending our borders or it is wasting a trillion dollars a year defending our rights. For all this chatter, only a little more than half of the voting age public fulfilled their obligation to democracy in the 2008 General Election. And this was a good year! There is a pretty good chance that a third of the people you know over 18 did not vote in the last presidential election, and many more than that will fail to vote tomorrow. To me this is very sad, but not the most depressing part of the story.

Tomorrow nearly 80 million people will cast their vote. They will select the leaders of our nation, and charge them with protecting our families, recovering our economy and securing our futures. For all of that responsibility, the people they elect will be mostly nitwits, and we are the only ones to blame.

Of the millions of people that will vote tomorrow my guess is about 10 million will take the time to thoroughly review the issues and candidates they are deciding. You might say this is way off, and I agree, it is probably less than 1 million. Most voters will not even know what or who they are really voting for until they show up at the polls. The majority of people that do know, only do so because they have been inundated with attack ads for the past month between episodes of Dancing with the Stars and the Jersey Shore. Speaking of, I would bet good money that the average DWTS voter spends more time researching which celebrity they are going to vote for than they do researching any candidate for elected office. I digress.

We live in a world where sound bites rule the way we live; the way we act and react to life. So when you are flipping through the channels and you stop on MSNBC or Fox News you get a slanted, ten second summary of a candidate’s position on some topic, or their latest gaffe , and you make up your mind based on that small and mostly insignificant information. More ridiculous is that people are more than likely making these decisions on what they heard within 24 hours of going to the polls. We have gotten lazy and we are letting someone else do the work and provide us with the thought process. The problem with this is that when you do that you are letting someone else make the decision for you. And if you are going to do that you might as well be living in a communist country.

The fact is that cable news is filled with incredibly entertaining pundits, analysts and “experts”. But this is no excuse. Unfortunately, most people believe that because these so called experts are on TV they know what they are talking about and so they believe everything they say and do not take the time to look into the issues and candidates themselves. The reality is that these people are paid to provide their opinion, and that opinion is usually slanted toward the leanings of the program or to please the owners of the network. So when you let cable news make your decisions for you, you are doing yourself, your fellow citizens and your country a disservice.

A while back we had a military draft in this country. When a young man got drafted to go to war, he had an obligation to serve his country. If he didn’t show up he broke the law, and he was punished. If he showed up but was not fully engaged, he put his life and the lives of his fellow soldiers at risk. If you are a citizen of this country, you have an obligation to vote and if you are not fully engaged you are placing the future of this country at risk. We have low turnout regularly because voting is a not mandatory in this country. Even if it was, people would still have to be engaged and put forth an effort to learn what is going on if we are going to stop electing nitwits to represent us. Tomorrow go out and vote, but only after you take some time to research the candidates and issues and can make an informed decision on who is best to lead this country. If you are counting on a political party or cable news channel to do that for you, you are putting us all at risk.

Stay thirsty my friends.

A side not for my bros: I know we like to look at things that are visual appealing, but should we really be choosing our world leaders based on the hotness of the person providing you with the information? I have noticed a trend of middle-aged men growing more conservative. I blame this on the "quality talent" being hired at Fox News. I mean no one is arguing that

there is a contest in looks category
between Rachel Maddow and Meghan Kelly, but if you are going to get your news from Fox News because it is much more fun to look at, make sure you supplement this information with something that is really fair and balanced.

To Grind or Not to Grind

Last week a friend mentioned that he wanted to know t-BONE’s thoughts on whys some people seem to ease through life without worrying about home ownership, retirement accounts or societal expectations. Living “off the grind” if you will. What follows are my thoughts on the topic. I am open to all suggestions from the t-BONERS (those who enjoy reading At Home With t-BONE) on topics to cover. You want me to cover something, let me know. And if you know me, you know that no subject is off-limits. Now on to the show…

This morning I woke up around 5:45am. I walked dog-BONE, bathed, shaved, and got dressed—blue suit, white shirt, red tie and hair handsomely parted to the right if you cared to ask. I made two soy lattes, one for me, one for lady-BONE (hers was iced with cinnamon of course). I packed up my work stuff from the night before and was on the road by 7am. It took me and hour and a half to drive about 20 miles. I got to the office, answered some emails, wrote a tantalizing piece for our newsletter and spent most of the day developing the 2011 budget for my department. I skipped lunch so I could be on a conference call and then headed out to attend a fundraiser for an Illinois Senate candidate. This is pretty much a normal day for me; not these specific tasks or projects but in general this is what I do day in and day out. It’s “the grind”.

Most of us spend our lives going from work to soccer practice, or canine grooming sessions in my case, and back home to finish up whatever we couldn’t finish during the day. We spend our nights and weekends checking work email, finishing projects and trying to make a play up the ladder so that we can give our kids the catholic education God wants them to have, take a few nice vacations along the way and hope that in the end we can retire comfortably. But why is this the way?

I know several people that shun the grind and they seem to be living just fine. Maybe without the nice car or iPAD, but well enough. We ask, how do they do it, and why? Are they crazy? I mean are they saving for the future, making sure they will live comfortably and “safe”?  I came to the realization a few years ago that there is more to life than safe and comfortable. As such I started looking a little closer into the lives of those who didn’t let society tell them how to live. What I found was a new perspective on life. If you look a little closer you will see that most living off the grind aren’t living recklessly (well in some cases they are but that is a different post altogether); they are living in the moment. Something we should all strive to do more in our own lives. When you look even deeper you see that they are having a blast and in many cases living their dreams or trying to fulfill a passion that society cannot rein in.

At some point t-BONE fell hook, line and sinker for the grind. I bought in fully to what society told me was right. I’m not complaining, I like my life well enough. The point is that it is not necessarily “the way” and others are living quite happily without committing to the grind. To some extent I have been trying to slowly halt this behavior to a point where there is a solid balance. Even if I cannot buy into this lifestyle wholeheartedly for some reason. Society’s force is

strong with this one. For now I cannot help but be a little envious. Before my grandma passed she always told me to take advantage of what you can do when you’re young even if you don’t think you can afford it, because someday you will be able to afford what you are no longer able to enjoy.

Do t-BONE (and yourself) a favor this weekend. Take one day to not answer or check any work emails, think about work or do anything other than make an effort to answer some deep yearning within your soul. Explore your passion, and in the end you will realize that living off the grind sometimes probably means you’re happier.

Sometimes t-BONE goes deep, but he will be back next week with his usual routine.

Stay thirsty my friends.

The Reach and Settle: Why do women end up on the raw side of attractiveness in their relationships?

First off, I just want to thank everyone for reading my first blog last week. More than 300 unique hits across three countries and two continents. I don’t know what I was expecting but this exceeded it.

Following last week’s blog I set off on a journey to come up with new topics to cover.  Mostly topics that I think people want to know my opinion on. This in my mind is everything, so needless to say you are going to have a lot to read in the future. I cannot however, take credit for this idea. I was listening to Russell Brand on Howard Stern last week and they mentioned that they have ladyfriends that are significantly better looking than they are; Howard has Beth O and Brand the amazing Katy Perry. This got t-BONE thinking: Why do guys almost always end up with better looking lifemates? One-night stands don’t usually follow this of course, but that is because physical attraction is not a primary criterion for choosing a one-night mate.

In trying to figure this out, t-BONE sought out advice from friends. When asked, one friend said that he couldn’t name any couples where the man was hotter than his lady. He also mentioned that his wife could name three in 30 seconds. So is it that women are generally hotter than their male companions, or could it possibly be that men are so innately homophobic that they refuse to recognize that a man can be more attractive than his lady, or any lady? Given the two people discussing this issue, it couldn’t possibly be the case. Some of t-BONE’s best friends are gay. Also, nothing leads me to believe that my friend is homophobic in any way.  Proven by the fact that he listens to Coldplay. Plus, she could only name three, a very small number based on the amount of couples any given person knows.

Another stated that they are better looking because they are the superior gender. t-BONE would agree that women are superior in many ways to men; they are better cooks (not my house, but in general), clean much better and are great at birthing a child. They are also much less gross than men, as lady-BONE reminds t-BONE on a daily if not hourly basis. They don’t have hair on their face, back or shoulders. They also shave the places they do have hair regularly to minimize the gross factor. They don’t pee in the shower or on the floor, or compete with their friends over the length, smell and explosiveness of their flatulent. Most have never tried to drink 30 beers in one day just to see if they could out drink their bro or throw down 10 shots just to throw up off a balcony.

There is just one thing that didn’t make sense about this theory in my mind. If they are the superior gender, why would they end up with worse looking companions? Or maybe that is why they are the superior gender. Did I just blow your mind?

A man is never going to seek out a less attractive women to spend the rest of his life with. The rest of the night? Probably. But never the rest of his life. Women on the other hand seem not to care at all. A man is never going to marry a woman with hairy shoulders, but a woman can look past this for some reason. You do hear them talk about how this guy is hot and that guy is sooo hot. It’s all show.  They are looking for personal connections, which is how they end up even going out on the first date with the gross and less attractive guy.

They say on How I Met Your Mother that there is always a reacher and a settler in any relationship. A couple of lady-BONE'S friends have pointed out on several occasions, and after a few cocktails, that I have reached well above my own level and that she has settled. I am not sure who should be offended more from that comment.  At first it was me. I mean seriously dude, you think it gets better than t-BONE? The more I thought about it though, it should be my lady who is offended. I mean to suggest that she would settle is really offensive. What she did was commit to something greater than the surface. Like most women she looked past the grossness that is male and looked toward the inner BONE. She didn’t settle, she just did the opposite of what most men do which is prioritize the superficial. t-BONE certainly went for the pretty lady, he just lucked out that she also happened to have a great personality and puts up with a ton of his nonsense. My guess is that most men do the same, and normally luck out getting more than just a hottie. Their lady counterparts are looking for something more, and usually get that, just wrapped in a gross hairy package that is known as man.  Maybe they are the superior gender?

Stay thirsty my friends.

First Class Contract with America

Opening Post Disclaimer: I have spoken to my lovely wife about this blog and she is fully on board with people relating to issues in their own lives through things that come up in ours. This came through clearly in a conversation we had recently when she said, “I read Jen Lancaster’s blog and she talks about her husband all the time. He must be a pretty cool guy to put up with that. Sure you can talk about me in your blog.” 

People always ask her how she puts up with me all the time. Needless to say she is a pretty cool guy.

And now on to the real business at hand.

This weekend I was confronted with one of the most difficult choices in my life. I had just spent a wild and crazy week in Orlando and by wild I mean working fifteen hour days and by crazy I mean sleeping less than six hours a night. The remainder of my days were spent somewhere in that confusing place between professional and personal time—drinks with colleagues and members.  lady-BONE had come down to Orlando on Friday for a separate meeting on her own, and we were able to spend a few hours together after both of our meetings were done. We went on a nice walk to a distant but real Starbucks (not that fake nonsense they pass off in hotel lobbies).  We had the usual, t-BONE a grande soy 140 degree pumpkin spice latte, Tracey a grande earl grey soy latte not too hot. We then lunched by the pool, read the paper and headed to the airport.

This is where the hardest decision part comes into play. Upon arriving at the airport, I was told that I had been upgraded to first class, one of the few remaining perks of regular business travel. I was then immediately informed that my wife had not. Oh Shit! Anyway, can she sit with me, I asked. Good luck making that happen the gate agent retorted.

I mean what you do in this situation? We are all aware of the Seinfeld episode but really in the end what did Jerry and Elaine solve that can be useful in the modern world? NADA!

So I thought to myself how do I figure this out? I know, I’ll poll Facebook. I mean the ability to have instant feedback from friends has to be useful in some situation right. How could it be better used than figuring out how to resolve the case of the one upgrade couple? Not surprisingly just about every response came from my female friends and family saying I needed to give lady-BONE the upgrade. This was not the answer I was looking for.

I was tired, I was sore, and god dammit I earned that upgrade. I spent nights alone in weird places, eating crap food at the airport, putting up with screaming babies (more posts to come on this topic for sure) and taking 5am cabs to the airport that smelled so bad of B.O. that I would have lost my breakfast if I would have had time to eat breakfast. And by the way, where were my Bros on this one? Seriously none of you could respond saying, take it man you earned the upgrade.

In the end I took the seat. I can make excuses like it wouldn’t be fair to the other first class passengers to have a rogue among them, but I won’t.  I’m not proud what I did, but I did it anyway. I needed to sleep, I needed to make sure that I had room to stretch out and quite frankly I wanted a couple free G&T’s.

I propose the First Class Contract with America, for couples in the same quandary. If we can all agree to this now it will only make our lives easier in the future.

If one member of the couple gets a free upgrade, the husband should not feel bad about taking it if a. the alternative option is a normal economy seat with limited leg room (does not apply to weirdo reverse height couples where the man is shorter than his lady or on American Airlines where coach has enough leg room for a normal heighted man) b. he has worked more than 60 hours that week (unless the wife has worked the same or more hours) c. he is in need of or recently received medical attention. In all other cases the wife should get the upgrade.  I have already promised my wife that next time I get an upgrade and we are flying together she gets dibs. After that the t-BONES are following this new contract. I advise adoption of the same before you get stuck in a similar situation.

Stay thirsty my friends.