Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Holidays: The Good, the Bad and the Fugly.

First Course: The Company Party
While these tough economic times have forced many companies to lay off workers, issue pay cuts and discontinue“perks” once enjoyed by most of the corporate world, it is still pretty common for companies to hold an annual Christmas, err Holiday, Party. t-BONE celebrates Christmas, well diversity and Christmas, but from here on out the Holiday Party will referred to only as the Christmas Party. Don’t like it? Get your own blog and stop harshing my holiday mellow!
Most companies hold their Christmas Party sometime between December 1 and January 30, although I have been known to attend one in November. It was still a hell of a time. I recently attended lady-BONE’s Christmas Party. It was a good time, a celebration and appreciation of the staff that could have put a nice end to a hard year’s work. As the evening came to a close I was flashed. I know what you are thinking, AWESOME PARTY! Well it was not the kind of flash you pay for, it was the kind you pay not to see.
What could possibly be wrong with this situation you may ask? Well let me tell you. For one, she is 64 years old. This in and of itself is not terrible. I had a friend once buy alien porn at TJ’s on Hubbard and leave it at my house. It doesn’t get more disturbing than seeing a Martian “infiltrate” the human species. The more disturbing part of the story as it turns out is that the flasher was my wife’s co-worker. Someone I have given rides home on several occasions and seen frequently during lady-BONE’s work functions.
The image of Flashy McFlasherstein rolling out those two old stockings from under her shirt will never leave me. I can no longer go to one of lady-BONE’s events without seeing her in a different way. I will constantly be looking behind my back thinking that those babies are going to be flying out at me again. I am emotionally traumatized. OK I am being dramatic, but really who wants to feel uncomfortable at a work function, or more uncomfortable in some cases.
kate beckinsale hot scenesDuring this holiday season, t-BONE can’t stress enough that the Christmas Party is no place to flip your lid. It jeopardizes the one remaining celebration of your employer’s appreciation for you and just makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Even if you look like Kate Beckinsale or whoever the kids are looking at these days, just keep ‘em up in your shirt. Until the after party…

Dropping a Deuce: NYE
Ah, another New Year’s Eve. Remember when NYE was exciting, fun and something to look forward to? Me neither. NYE is a celebration in buffoonery! Don’t get t-BONE wrong, he loves him some tomfoolery, but not for Tom Foolery’s sake.
NYE has become a thing to do for people who never have things to do; a celebration of lame and nonsense. If you need NYE to get you out of the house and get crazy you really need to reconsider how you live your life. Paying twice as much for a meal or $100 for three “all you can drink” drinks makes you a buffoon!
This year, t-BONE will once again be participating in the Anti-NYE. We will not be rejoicing the end of the year or the beginning of a new one, but celebrating the good life that we have been blessed with. Like we always do! You don’t need to get all dressed up and hit a “hotspot” to celebrate NYE. If you do, there is a good chance you will end up disappointed. the-BONES have been invited to the most exclusive party in all of Chicago. A small intimate gathering at the home of a very prominent entertainment blogger; scored one of 25 invites thank you very little. Maybe you have seen his work at http://killspeidi.blogspot.com/?

This party will be the highlight of my week, but almost certainly not my year. That’s nothing against the party, which will be stocked full of debauchery and tomfoolery I am sure, but because a fulfilling life is never highlighted by a single night of partying. It is defined by a year of outrageous fun spent with great friends and a wonderful companion (lady-BONE).
Come Friday night, if you are getting all stoked up for your big night on the town just ask yourself, why am I so excited about getting overcharged for a mediocre meal and a handful of crap drinks? You need to be spending more being awesome and less time trying to be awesome.
What’s that, we have a suggestion? Devoted reader “Old Boner” has suggested a post on Sideline Reporting. In the words of Michele Tanner, “you got it dude!” Next up, the uselessness that is sideline reporting.

Stay Thirsty My Friends.
p.s. Tori Black, I still miss you.


  1. Thank you sir, old or not, boobies.

  2. That is the reason, I retired the girls at 30. Private showings only!