Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Holidays: The Good, the Bad and the Fugly.

First Course: The Company Party
While these tough economic times have forced many companies to lay off workers, issue pay cuts and discontinue“perks” once enjoyed by most of the corporate world, it is still pretty common for companies to hold an annual Christmas, err Holiday, Party. t-BONE celebrates Christmas, well diversity and Christmas, but from here on out the Holiday Party will referred to only as the Christmas Party. Don’t like it? Get your own blog and stop harshing my holiday mellow!
Most companies hold their Christmas Party sometime between December 1 and January 30, although I have been known to attend one in November. It was still a hell of a time. I recently attended lady-BONE’s Christmas Party. It was a good time, a celebration and appreciation of the staff that could have put a nice end to a hard year’s work. As the evening came to a close I was flashed. I know what you are thinking, AWESOME PARTY! Well it was not the kind of flash you pay for, it was the kind you pay not to see.
What could possibly be wrong with this situation you may ask? Well let me tell you. For one, she is 64 years old. This in and of itself is not terrible. I had a friend once buy alien porn at TJ’s on Hubbard and leave it at my house. It doesn’t get more disturbing than seeing a Martian “infiltrate” the human species. The more disturbing part of the story as it turns out is that the flasher was my wife’s co-worker. Someone I have given rides home on several occasions and seen frequently during lady-BONE’s work functions.
The image of Flashy McFlasherstein rolling out those two old stockings from under her shirt will never leave me. I can no longer go to one of lady-BONE’s events without seeing her in a different way. I will constantly be looking behind my back thinking that those babies are going to be flying out at me again. I am emotionally traumatized. OK I am being dramatic, but really who wants to feel uncomfortable at a work function, or more uncomfortable in some cases.
kate beckinsale hot scenesDuring this holiday season, t-BONE can’t stress enough that the Christmas Party is no place to flip your lid. It jeopardizes the one remaining celebration of your employer’s appreciation for you and just makes everyone feel uncomfortable. Even if you look like Kate Beckinsale or whoever the kids are looking at these days, just keep ‘em up in your shirt. Until the after party…

Dropping a Deuce: NYE
Ah, another New Year’s Eve. Remember when NYE was exciting, fun and something to look forward to? Me neither. NYE is a celebration in buffoonery! Don’t get t-BONE wrong, he loves him some tomfoolery, but not for Tom Foolery’s sake.
NYE has become a thing to do for people who never have things to do; a celebration of lame and nonsense. If you need NYE to get you out of the house and get crazy you really need to reconsider how you live your life. Paying twice as much for a meal or $100 for three “all you can drink” drinks makes you a buffoon!
This year, t-BONE will once again be participating in the Anti-NYE. We will not be rejoicing the end of the year or the beginning of a new one, but celebrating the good life that we have been blessed with. Like we always do! You don’t need to get all dressed up and hit a “hotspot” to celebrate NYE. If you do, there is a good chance you will end up disappointed. the-BONES have been invited to the most exclusive party in all of Chicago. A small intimate gathering at the home of a very prominent entertainment blogger; scored one of 25 invites thank you very little. Maybe you have seen his work at http://killspeidi.blogspot.com/?

This party will be the highlight of my week, but almost certainly not my year. That’s nothing against the party, which will be stocked full of debauchery and tomfoolery I am sure, but because a fulfilling life is never highlighted by a single night of partying. It is defined by a year of outrageous fun spent with great friends and a wonderful companion (lady-BONE).
Come Friday night, if you are getting all stoked up for your big night on the town just ask yourself, why am I so excited about getting overcharged for a mediocre meal and a handful of crap drinks? You need to be spending more being awesome and less time trying to be awesome.
What’s that, we have a suggestion? Devoted reader “Old Boner” has suggested a post on Sideline Reporting. In the words of Michele Tanner, “you got it dude!” Next up, the uselessness that is sideline reporting.









Stay Thirsty My Friends.
p.s. Tori Black, I still miss you.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Your Junk Ain’t That Pretty, Get Over It!

A few quick words from t-BONE. I have been inundated with requests for new posts over the last week. I appreciate your interest but seriously CHILL THE EFF OUT BRO! It’s not that easy finding time to post when you have to keep on keeping awesome 24/7. That and I don’t want to overexpose myself too early in my career only to fail miserably in sustaining a long and fruitful blog for my fans. I refuse to be the Vanilla Ice of blogging. I am limiting my exposure to just the right amount, I mean this isn't a maximum exposure contest.  Now on the show…



A couple of weeks ago you couldn’t turn on the news without hearing about how the TSA was molesting passengers and trying to scan pictures of their junk with these fancy new machines. I have debated with several friends over the past year about the use of body scan machines. I would say most people really could care less if someone gets to see their junk in order to remain safe on a plane. I agree and would also gladly submit to a full body pat down without insertion to ensure that I get to my destination safely.  There are others who think that pat downs and body scans are over the line and an invasion of their privacy. These people are morons who deserve to spend 18 hours on a Greyhound bus next to a flea infested wino with a wandering hand the next time they need to get somewhere.
Even if the person operating the body scan can see your junk do you really think they care? I mean it’s not like they are looking at high definition imagery of your business. It’s an outline of your body, which is hardly worth getting excited about unless you’re a thirteen year old boy going through puberty and have an endless supply of hormones pumping through the lower half of your body. I am certainly not spending money on a pair of panties that are going to keep TSA from seeing my junk in the case that I do get body scanned. Quite frankly I would be deeply flattered if anyone on the street thought that I had some junk worth photographing.
For those that are embarrassed about how their junk looks or think that someone will doing something with the photos to embarrass you, you need to get a hobby. If you’re embarrassed about your junk and afraid of someone seeing it, don’t be, because then it is definitely not the kind of junk they are looking to see. If you are afraid someone will take your junk image and do something embarrassing with it, get over yourself. I bet there are much more embarrassing photos of you out there on Facebook or under your college roommate’s mattress.
Pat downs on the other hand aren’t ideal but are necessary. Do I want some stranger rubbing me down in front of a bunch of other strangers while I stand there shoeless, beltless and helpless? YES! It sounds like your last trip to the gentleman’s club doesn’t it? Clearly you don’t mind activity; it just needs to be in the right setting. t-BONE gets that, but seriously if it prevents another 9/11 it’s worth it. You can also create the right setting in your mind. Just close your eyes and pretend you just paid $12 for a beer and that the husky TSA agent is a vanilla-scented single mom named Ginger who is trying to put herself through college. Considering you will spend $12 on a beer before you take off and you are getting some physical contact, it will all come together nicely. And it really does make the whole travel experience much better.
In summary, I think we can all agree that being safe is better than not being safe. If someone has to take a picture of our naked bodies to make sure we are safe then we should let them. If we let the fear of nudity keep us from safe travel then the terrorists have won. Just remember: life’s short, party naked. If you party like you travel then it won’t matter much to you anyway. If all else fails, Ginger…
Just to let you know that I was on schedule to post this a week ago. I was writing it on the plane and after a couple of drinks I fell asleep and couldn’t finish it up until now. Because of the delay in postings, and as an apology to my BONERS, I have included a bonus rant on air travel to the right.  Enjoy and stay thirsty my friends.