Wednesday, January 19, 2011

The Gleeks Guide to College Basketball

Before I get started I must admit that my knowledge of the show Glee is limited to halfway watching it while trying to ignore that it is on the television, repeatedly watching their Journey mashup on You Tube and from the endless ramblings of my wife and several others I know that claim it is the best show on television. They are wrong, but also entitled to their opinion.
College Football is officially over and while Da Bears still have two games left, most of t-BONE’s attention has moved to college basketball. This is because t-BONE went to a school that was an academic AND basketball powerhouse before it was an academic AND basketball AND football powerhouse. I know it at as MIZZOU, and if YOU call it that without going there t-BONE will get upset. No one wants to see t-BONE get upset, just ask Nigel, the Bouncer from The Globe Pub?

t-BONE follows college basketball pretty closely, not weird don’t leave the couch for six months closely, but pretty closely. I enjoying watching games regularly and reading the box scores in the morning. Like most awesome people, t-BONE really enjoys March Madness. This is really kicked up a notch when the Tigers are in the tourney. t-BONE enjoys the thought of this so much, that I track weekly where the Tigers will play in the NCAA tournament and their predicted seed. This tracking begins somewhere around Week 2 of the season on ESPN.COM’s Bracketology. I know you are thinking that the thought of someone being able to predict these two things two weeks into the season is both insane and stupid. You are correct.
Lady-BONE, being lady-BONE, has absolutely no interest in college basketball and as such no interest in watching college basketball nightly or weekly or even monthly. What she does like is Glee. After a discussion with lady-BONE recently,  I have given this some thought and realized that if I can make college basketball like Glee I can make this work for both BONES. What follows is the Glee Guide to College Basketball and you can thank me later for your partner’s newfound interest in the sport and, as such, your increased hoops viewing time.
Step One: Weekly “Tune up”
First your Gleek needs to understand that each regular season game is similar to the weekly tune ups the “kids” on Glee perform. While each song or game is not all that important, together they help the team make a run at sectionals. It might also help to explain the basics of the game, like that each player represents a singer/student on Glee. For example: Coach K is like the HOT Glee Coach Mr. Schuster (name provided by lady-BONE and yes, he is in her top 5) and that without him the team would have no direction. (Insert your favorite player here) is like the Mohawk kid, your Center is like the tall football playing singer kid, and every player on Kansas is like that whiney chick on the show that thinks only she should get to sing solos.  
TattooStep Two: Sectionals
Now as March Madness is really heating up you are going to need to put on the full press so that you can watch the extra games that come with the increased intensity that is the end of the college basketball season. Your Gleek needs to understand that the conference tournaments are like sectionals on Glee. Each conference team represents a team that will be competing in sectionals: Mizzou is William McKinley High and Duke is the fancy private school with the matching blazers. Kansas is the redneck school you would never want to send your kids to and all of the rest fall somewhere in between. The winners move on to the next stage, the Dance. Be sure to use “dance” as often as possible as it will confuse Gleeks into thinking that the NCAA Tournament actually has something to do with dancing. Glee fans are also usually fans of Dancing with the Stars so this will help get them excited.
Step Three: The Game Changer
At this point your Glee loving companion will probably be pretty excited about seeing the dance but still leery because after all we are still talking about college basketball. You need a game changer, and BOOM: Celebrities. Glee and DWTS fans love celebrities and some celebrities went to college. Like Jon Hamm of Mizzou and Mad Men fame, they regularly show up at NCAA tournament games to support the schools they attended before dropping out of college to wait tables and act. Make sure that the Gleek is aware that there will be celebrities at the dance and many an expert has claimed that watching the dance is really like reading an issue of US Weekly or enjoying TMZ.
If followed properly this will almost always ensure that you will watching “Gwyneth Paltrow” and “Britney Spears” battle it out to determine the best college basketball team in the land.

Stay Thirsty My Friends.


  1. love the analogy. Very creative

  2. Glee sucks. Tell Ms. Boner that, too. You're still cool.