Cooking Up Some Sex Appeal

 Tomorrow night is the Season Premiere of the all new Top Chef. OK it’s not really all new this time around because it is Top Chef All Stars, which means that it features losers from past seasons. Regardless, t-BONE is a fan. So much so that I have donated tens of dollars over the years to a pool that I never seem to be able to win. lady-BONE has a crush on one of this season’s contestants, Fabio. This is completely understandable since the general consensus is that he is tall, dark and handsome with an Italian accent and hips that don’t lie. He is really the only reason she watches.

I on the other hand have a crush on another contestant, Jamie. Jamie is by society’s standards average or maybe a little better than average. She is not Padma.

 Jamie is cute, short and doesn’t like people like me (boys). I think if given the chance I could convert her but that will probably never happen. I visited her restaurant once and she wouldn’t come out. Probably because she feared that if she did she would end up breaking up my marriage and pissing off her lady with a wild romp in the hay. Do they have hay in San Fran? Regardless, she wouldn’t have been able to contain herself so we dined without her that evening. But I digress….

A friend-BONE and I were chatting about this topic the other night and she mentioned that she has a crush Top Chef’s Head Judge, Tom Colicchio. Same deal. Chef Tom is very attractive if you are into Bears. If you are unfamiliar with Chef Tom think bald Tom Arnold in a white coat. In his defense he is not bad looking, just average or slightly better. Definitely not a contender for People’s Sexiest Man though.

So what it is about these less than sexy people that makes them so sexy. To explain this I have developed the food porn theory. You’ve heard of food porn maybe? According to Wikipedia (the modern man’s version of Encyclopedia Britannica), “food porn is a provocative term variously applied to a spectacular visual presentation of cooking or eating in advertisements, infomercials, cooking shows or other visual media, foods boasting a high fat and calorie content, exotic dishes that arouse a desire to eat or the glorification of food as a substitute for sex.” This is mostly the stuff you will find on Top Chef created regularly by Jamie and Fabio et al. Chef Tom doesn’t create food on the show but everyone on the show pines over his food porn prowess which creates a similar reaction for the viewer.

The food porn theory suggests that you will fall in love when you encounter a slightly better than average individual with the ability to make a meal that makes you want to jump through your tv and get up to your elbows in it. The food you pervert! Just the possibility of a tummy orgasm makes you fall in love with this individual.

 The food porn theory explains why when Jamie lays down a couple of plump and juicy scallops on a plate, dripping with a smooth and succulent sauce, t-BONE falls in love. It explains how a chubby, bald man in an ill-fitted white chef’s coat can get the ladies swooning. It also explains why on Thursday mornings the entire conversation about Top Chef does not revolve around Padma. A lot of it is about Padma, but not all of it. It takes something as powerful as food porn to break your concentration when Padma is involved.

t-BONE loves food, and food porn. Needless to say we will be spending the next several Wednesday nights sitting on the couch. t-BONE will be fantasizing about Jamie and her food porn, Tracey about Fabio and his honest hips.

If you like food and falling in love, you should consider doing the same.

Stay thirsty my friends.